He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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