You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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