So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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