If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
