Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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