tell your sister to shave her snatch
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
