I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
