She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
