i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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