My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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