Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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