Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
