So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
