I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
