i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
