I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
