please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
