Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
