Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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