I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Randomize
