Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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