my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I don't deserve a penis
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
