I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
