Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
