I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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