I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize