You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
