I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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