This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
