You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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