So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
