Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
