Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
