this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
