My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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