Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
