I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
God, I missed his penis.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize