look no pants
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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