They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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