i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
