remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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