I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
