12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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