I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
