i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
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I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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