If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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