i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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