There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
