my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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