Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
