My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
