First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
