HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
