Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish I only lived at night.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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