So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
3 2 1 whiskey
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
